Mrs. Grumpy-skirt

Yes....that's what I called myself yesterday morning. You see, I was disappointed I didn't get "the call" I was waiting for. I wish I would learn to always be thankful and grateful for my situation. But I am not. I woke up grumpy and it continued throughout the day. In spite of being with four of the seven of my greatest joys. I have so much....yet I yearn for more. But I pulled myself up off of my pity couch, packed my backpack and went to meet my Vancouver family for a hike. It had its challenges too.

1. I forgot my hiking shoes, so had to hike in my tevas (it worked fine). 2. We took the wrong turnoff and wended our way up the winding road meandering through beautiful trees. But the curvy road made one grandchild sick--good thing there was a container there to catch the sickness. 3. Had our hike in cloudy, hazy Oregon and at the top, were greeted by the sun. Yay!

I finished my day with a movie and dinner with a friend--still feeling sorry for myself.

 I  woke up this morning with a sigh and a similar attitude as yesterday and read this verse from an ancient prophet. It was a good reminder for me Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (Habakkuk 3: 17-18). OK, God. I get the message.

Dear Lord, help me with my attitude and help me rejoice in You. 

It IS better to rejoice and than grump. Here we go, Lord........

Just another reason to rejoice!

More Steps Moving Forward..

                                       

I was talking to my son last night, telling him about the new paint job in my bedroom, bath and walk in closet. He asked me why I'd go to all that work. I told him it was a step in moving forward yet again.


I was planning to vacate the space that Blair and I shared together during that wonderful time we were married. I was to marry again and move away. There was no need to change anything here. Then, that changed. I didn't marry. We cancelled our engagement. I missed Blair even more--again!

I needed to process things for a time, then decided it was time for a change. So I did it. A major paint job in my special corner of the house. My bedroom and bath! So, I thought and chose two lovely green shades to rest my eyes on when I want to rest or just contemplate things with my feet up. It is all I wanted and more! And I'm moving forward! A necessary step in my progress of grief--and just life in general.

It's beautiful and I am content.

God's Sovereign Grace

Looking back at an old journal, I see angst. You see, from the date, I realize I was a new widow. The first time. 

It was three weeks after my husband Bill died, and I found out I had no job for the next school year. They were closing the school and I needed to work. While reading it this morning, I knew the end. I did find a job--a good one. But the job answer came ten weeks later. When I needed the job. Not before. 

I didn’t know the future of that job either. Now I did though. I didn’t know I’d be married again to a wonderful loving man, who gave me his teacher’s pension for the rest of my life. I don’t have to worry about getting another job. My needs are provided for. 

Now, I sit here in the morning room. Reading about the past, not knowing the future, yet knowing God is still there. He knows my future. I know my ultimate future. I rest in You, God my Father, Jesus my Savior, Holy Spirit, my blessed Comforter.

                                                                         Photo taken in South Africa, late 2009.

Cleaning and organizing--a different kind of grief...

My dear son in law, Trent, gave me a gift last Christmas. He said he'd help me organize my garage with new shelves and such, to put a disorganized three car garage in better order. Who would have thought starting this project would make me grieve--but it did! I think I know why. My first husband, Bill, would never have needed my help in arranging and making things orderly. It was a family joke that we could eat in our garage. Everything was neat and in its place. I wonder what he would think about how my garage looks now?  I imagine he'd get in there and easily put things in a more orderly fashion. Then I think about Blair, my second husband--this was his garage that I'm organizing. I started tossing things I knew he wouldn't need any more-duplicate prints that were already framed and no one wanted, old classroom notes, and very old bank statements. I try to organize doubles of things--he had his garden tools, I had mine. Then I see his sun hat, no longer needed. Ouch. That hurts too.

Moving forward in life and even in my grieving process has its highs and lows. I know both husbands would be pleased that I'm even straightening my garage. Bill would say, "Good job, gorgeous!" Blair would say, "Well done, my sweetheart! You're a star!"

Here's to both of you, Bill and Blair. I'm so glad you both were in my life! I know garages aren't important to you now, but I like to think you'd both be pleased I'm continuing to live and move forward.

Coming home...
I'm still not past the disappointment of coming home. After a great weekend with several friends and meeting new people, enjoying the beautiful Haystack Rock at Cannon Beach, I come home and it's a let down! Why does this happen? I am without my partner! There's no one to remark about how the grass has grown really high. The fuchsias need some watering. At least my sweet mystery person has taken care of my trash cans (is it you, Nick?)  No one really cares if I'm home or not. I have to come to the conclusion that that's the way it is.....What do I do? I carry on! I drag my suitcase up the stairs. Get into my jammies and head for bed!

I give thanks as I lay my head on my very familiar pillow, sleep on my wonderful mattress, and am grateful for HOME!

Though I miss my sweet Blair and companion. Though I miss that special someone who cares if I'm home or not, I know my Heavenly Father in Heaven cares......I am blessed!

Birthdays and bits of wisdom.....

May 1. May Day. But also Annabel Elizabeth Sagert's eighth birthday! I vividly remember when Annabel made her entrance into the world. She didn't waste any time getting here. She still doesn't waste time. If she sees something needs to be done, she takes care of it. Sometimes a little too quickly!

I was talking with a new acquaintance this weekend and she said she didn't think my daughter and I look alike. That made me feel a bit sad, for I would like a little mark of myself in my children. But then she piped up, "But Annabel looks like you!" Ah. Annabel is like me in other ways too. Just as she takes care of things when she thinks they need to be done, so do I. Sometimes too quickly. Some things need time to fix.....like a broken heart...I'm working on that one right now. And trying to take the time for it to mend.

I will try to influence that little granddaughter of mine to take time in some things....and get things done quickly when that is the thing to do. Precious granddaughter, happy birthday!

Grammie and Annabel, August, 2011

Lessons learned

There was great happiness and excitement. Several hours later, shock, sadness, loss. Death of a relationship. Such was my experience last week. One hour I was happily planning a wedding. Three hours later, the plans were cancelled.

How can that happen? I'm sure that's what the followers of Jesus thought when only four days after they joyfully watched their Savior ride a donkey while people shouted "Hosannah!" later watched Him struggle to carry His cross to a place called Skull. Watched Him suffer and die. Be placed in a tomb. But three days later, the tomb was empty for He had risen!

I can't totally compare my experience with that of Jesus. But there are some similarities. Joy. Acceptance. Rejection. A changed future. I'm waiting for the next step. Still trying to process. Yet I have hope I will learn what I need to learn. My future on this earth is uncertain, but my eternity is certain and the best is yet to come. This I know for sure: I am not alone, for I have that same risen Savior walking beside me.