Hope...Very Real

Reading in Acts today and one verse stood out to me..."I have hope in God.." There's more to the verse, but that's what I needed today.

My life is good, but I still need to be reminded of where my hope lies. I also read, "Cease striving and know that I am God." I learned that "striving" means sink down, let drop, relax. Sometimes I don't relax very well.

So, I will enjoy my grandchildren today. I will drive the boys to their friend's house in Battle Ground. I will drive Annabel to a birthday party. I will pretend I'm a mommy again--though grammie is just fine too.

I will remember where my hope comes from. I will work on relaxing about my future. The song runs through my mind as I write.

Why so downcast 

Oh my soul?

Put your hope in God

Put your hope in God

I will do just that--put my hope in God!

Cousins.....Family

Tiffany and Sarah---are getting acquainted. They are second cousins and this is their first meeting. I think they're going to be fast friends. Why do I think that? They are already chattering like they've known each other all their lives. Excellent students--each of them. They also love their daddies. They like to hunt with them and each have several trophies.

I love watching my extended family learn about each other...and they will know each other in eternity...for they're also in God's fovever family. Cousins....a good thing.

Trust

I woke up this morning, depressed. Sad. All the work we did for the election for "our side" seemed for naught. We walked. We planned. We gave. We prayed. Yet "our side" wasn't elected--on nearly all counts.

What do I read this morning in the Psalms but in the 42nd and its twin, 43:

Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed within me? 

Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him

For the help of His presence.

Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him.

The help of my countenance and my God.

...plead my case against an ungodly nation;

O deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man!...

And upon the lyre I shall praise You. O God, my God.

Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why are you disturbed within me?

Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him.

The help of my countenance and my God.

Another reminded, yet again. My hope is in God, maker of heaven and earth. It is in He I put my trust. And that is enough.

She loved pink!

Mom and Erika

Happy event at granddaughter DeeDee's wedding

Couldn't find any pink roses, but this is a great representation of all the pinks

October 3, 1917 was the year my mother was born. Today would have been her 95th birthday. Longevity is a strong attribute in the Richert family. Grandpa Richert lived to be 92. Mom was 93. But this isn't a story about years. It's about a wonderful woman. My mother.

When I was growing up, I called her "mama". As I moved into my teens, I dropped that title for a more acceptable one--"mom". Mom loved pink--can you tell?

Mom was a wise woman and many people approached her for advice. When she was a pastor's wife, a teacher at school, a grandma, and at her retirement home. People flocked around her. She was always been the "popular girl".  To me she was special--but she was just my mom. Now that she's gone, I really do miss that woman of wisdom. The one who had people clamoring to be around her.

Happy birthday Mama! Greet my dear ones who are there with you, in heaven!

New Way to Think

If you look closely, you'll see a Bible there on the love seat. That's where I sit every morning to read and pray. Today's verse was thought provoking. Psalm 4:1 (KJV) "....thou hast enlarged me in my distress....." I began to think about my situation. God's word tells me--in the ancient Elizabethan tongue--"Enlarged me". It doesn't mean physical size, but the spiritual. And yes. He has enlarged me. Never have I felt the loving, comforting presence of my Comforter more than when I was in distress. Do I ask for the distress? NO! Yet, there He is. My loving God nearer to me than any family member. Any friend. He's there when I'm awake at 3:00 am in the morning. Though He is unseen, I know He is there. Sad with me. Weeping with me. Joyful with me. Life is full of "distress", yet He is there. That's all we need to know.

"It's a book!!" They said.

"Your book is now in print!" The email said. Finally, after two years of reading, re-reading. Editing. Reading. Changing some more, it was done.

You would have thought I'd be filled with joy and excitement. Kind of like when I had my babies. And I did. But I also had some misgivings and doubts. Just like when I had my babies.

What if they don't like it? What if they don't like how I described them? What if I don't like it? All self doubts. But then, it arrived. I was thrilled to hold it in my hands. It looked so different to see the print on the book page rather than the computer screen or typed out on white paper.

It's a book. But of course, I've only begun. I need to market it now. Convince other people to read it. Write more. I've already gotten some ideas.

Raising a book, like a baby, is a lifetime thing!

Here's the baby--er-- book!

Wedding Day, August 16, 2008

Today is a special day of remembrance for me. No, it is not 2008, it is 2012 and today would have been  our fourth wedding anniversary, had Blair lived.

Instead I am remembering this day by myself. I am not alone, though, for the One who brought us together is here with me. And I have my blessed memories to recall. Blair was my beloved Boaz and I'll tell you more about Boaz another time. Blair loved me in spite of my flaws--and treated me with courtesy, respect, and love. He was a gentleman who did things for me just because he loved me and wanted to please me. He was a dreamboat of a man and I was so blessed to meet him, fall in love with him, and marry him.

Some people have asked me, "Would you have married him, had you known he'd be gone in such a short time?"

I say, I'd marry him again in a hot minute! We had a seventeen month honeymoon. How many people can say that? Not many, I'd venture to say.

I have wonderful memories and I know I will see Blair again in eternity. But here, on Earth, I have more family to love. I have two more sons--and a new granddaughter, Meghan Elena.

Happy anniversary my love. I am grateful to God for His gift to me of you-- if only for a time......

I hope the joy is as evident as we felt!

Delight in our first kiss as Mr. and Mrs. Graybill

                                               












                       

Mrs. Grumpy-skirt

Yes....that's what I called myself yesterday morning. You see, I was disappointed I didn't get "the call" I was waiting for. I wish I would learn to always be thankful and grateful for my situation. But I am not. I woke up grumpy and it continued throughout the day. In spite of being with four of the seven of my greatest joys. I have so much....yet I yearn for more. But I pulled myself up off of my pity couch, packed my backpack and went to meet my Vancouver family for a hike. It had its challenges too.

1. I forgot my hiking shoes, so had to hike in my tevas (it worked fine). 2. We took the wrong turnoff and wended our way up the winding road meandering through beautiful trees. But the curvy road made one grandchild sick--good thing there was a container there to catch the sickness. 3. Had our hike in cloudy, hazy Oregon and at the top, were greeted by the sun. Yay!

I finished my day with a movie and dinner with a friend--still feeling sorry for myself.

 I  woke up this morning with a sigh and a similar attitude as yesterday and read this verse from an ancient prophet. It was a good reminder for me Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (Habakkuk 3: 17-18). OK, God. I get the message.

Dear Lord, help me with my attitude and help me rejoice in You. 

It IS better to rejoice and than grump. Here we go, Lord........

Just another reason to rejoice!

More Steps Moving Forward..

                                       

I was talking to my son last night, telling him about the new paint job in my bedroom, bath and walk in closet. He asked me why I'd go to all that work. I told him it was a step in moving forward yet again.


I was planning to vacate the space that Blair and I shared together during that wonderful time we were married. I was to marry again and move away. There was no need to change anything here. Then, that changed. I didn't marry. We cancelled our engagement. I missed Blair even more--again!

I needed to process things for a time, then decided it was time for a change. So I did it. A major paint job in my special corner of the house. My bedroom and bath! So, I thought and chose two lovely green shades to rest my eyes on when I want to rest or just contemplate things with my feet up. It is all I wanted and more! And I'm moving forward! A necessary step in my progress of grief--and just life in general.

It's beautiful and I am content.

God's Sovereign Grace

Looking back at an old journal, I see angst. You see, from the date, I realize I was a new widow. The first time. 

It was three weeks after my husband Bill died, and I found out I had no job for the next school year. They were closing the school and I needed to work. While reading it this morning, I knew the end. I did find a job--a good one. But the job answer came ten weeks later. When I needed the job. Not before. 

I didn’t know the future of that job either. Now I did though. I didn’t know I’d be married again to a wonderful loving man, who gave me his teacher’s pension for the rest of my life. I don’t have to worry about getting another job. My needs are provided for. 

Now, I sit here in the morning room. Reading about the past, not knowing the future, yet knowing God is still there. He knows my future. I know my ultimate future. I rest in You, God my Father, Jesus my Savior, Holy Spirit, my blessed Comforter.

                                                                         Photo taken in South Africa, late 2009.

Cleaning and organizing--a different kind of grief...

My dear son in law, Trent, gave me a gift last Christmas. He said he'd help me organize my garage with new shelves and such, to put a disorganized three car garage in better order. Who would have thought starting this project would make me grieve--but it did! I think I know why. My first husband, Bill, would never have needed my help in arranging and making things orderly. It was a family joke that we could eat in our garage. Everything was neat and in its place. I wonder what he would think about how my garage looks now?  I imagine he'd get in there and easily put things in a more orderly fashion. Then I think about Blair, my second husband--this was his garage that I'm organizing. I started tossing things I knew he wouldn't need any more-duplicate prints that were already framed and no one wanted, old classroom notes, and very old bank statements. I try to organize doubles of things--he had his garden tools, I had mine. Then I see his sun hat, no longer needed. Ouch. That hurts too.

Moving forward in life and even in my grieving process has its highs and lows. I know both husbands would be pleased that I'm even straightening my garage. Bill would say, "Good job, gorgeous!" Blair would say, "Well done, my sweetheart! You're a star!"

Here's to both of you, Bill and Blair. I'm so glad you both were in my life! I know garages aren't important to you now, but I like to think you'd both be pleased I'm continuing to live and move forward.

Coming home...
I'm still not past the disappointment of coming home. After a great weekend with several friends and meeting new people, enjoying the beautiful Haystack Rock at Cannon Beach, I come home and it's a let down! Why does this happen? I am without my partner! There's no one to remark about how the grass has grown really high. The fuchsias need some watering. At least my sweet mystery person has taken care of my trash cans (is it you, Nick?)  No one really cares if I'm home or not. I have to come to the conclusion that that's the way it is.....What do I do? I carry on! I drag my suitcase up the stairs. Get into my jammies and head for bed!

I give thanks as I lay my head on my very familiar pillow, sleep on my wonderful mattress, and am grateful for HOME!

Though I miss my sweet Blair and companion. Though I miss that special someone who cares if I'm home or not, I know my Heavenly Father in Heaven cares......I am blessed!

Birthdays and bits of wisdom.....

May 1. May Day. But also Annabel Elizabeth Sagert's eighth birthday! I vividly remember when Annabel made her entrance into the world. She didn't waste any time getting here. She still doesn't waste time. If she sees something needs to be done, she takes care of it. Sometimes a little too quickly!

I was talking with a new acquaintance this weekend and she said she didn't think my daughter and I look alike. That made me feel a bit sad, for I would like a little mark of myself in my children. But then she piped up, "But Annabel looks like you!" Ah. Annabel is like me in other ways too. Just as she takes care of things when she thinks they need to be done, so do I. Sometimes too quickly. Some things need time to fix.....like a broken heart...I'm working on that one right now. And trying to take the time for it to mend.

I will try to influence that little granddaughter of mine to take time in some things....and get things done quickly when that is the thing to do. Precious granddaughter, happy birthday!

Grammie and Annabel, August, 2011

Lessons learned

There was great happiness and excitement. Several hours later, shock, sadness, loss. Death of a relationship. Such was my experience last week. One hour I was happily planning a wedding. Three hours later, the plans were cancelled.

How can that happen? I'm sure that's what the followers of Jesus thought when only four days after they joyfully watched their Savior ride a donkey while people shouted "Hosannah!" later watched Him struggle to carry His cross to a place called Skull. Watched Him suffer and die. Be placed in a tomb. But three days later, the tomb was empty for He had risen!

I can't totally compare my experience with that of Jesus. But there are some similarities. Joy. Acceptance. Rejection. A changed future. I'm waiting for the next step. Still trying to process. Yet I have hope I will learn what I need to learn. My future on this earth is uncertain, but my eternity is certain and the best is yet to come. This I know for sure: I am not alone, for I have that same risen Savior walking beside me.

Gift of Life Award

This Tuesday afternoon, Jonathan, Erika, Andrew, Caleb, my friend Connie, and myself will drive north to Olympia to receive an award given to six families every year for their family member's gift of life to another. Blair Graybill gave life to two different people who needed a kidney. I wrote the following for publication:

How can one write only one paragraph to give tribute to a man? Blair Graybill was a one of a kind man. Bright, kind, inquisitive hazel eyes, framed by wire rimmed glasses, Blair Graybill had personality that made you want to trust him. His full head of silver hair gave him authority. He loved to learn and he never stopped the pursuit. While some teachers will rest on what they’ve learned, Blair never stopped. Teaching for over 30 years, he never grew tired of studying our American history. Blair loved his family even more. He was extremely proud of his two sons. He was the family organizer of reunions, and family genealogy. There were many people in his life who deeply respected him. Myself, his children, colleagues, and family. Blair was a gracious and kind man who was confident enough and manly enough to be helpful with most anything. When Blair decided to do something, he’d already analyzed the problem and was ready to do it. Though he left no directive regarding donating his kidneys, I believe he would have analyzed the situation, then would have decided to give. Blair loved me, his family and of course his late wife, Pat. I was blessed to know him and be a part of his life--and I know I will see him again--in heaven--because of his faith, a strong component in his life. He died, trusting in Jesus Christ for his salvation. I was blessed to know him and honored to have his name.

So, together, Blair's son, step-daughter, step grandsons, wife and friend will accept the award from Governor Gregoire. The greatest honor is to Blair. We love you!

Writing a book.....

I have a new appreciation for writers and the work they do in producing a book.  I have completed nearly every step in producing a book.

I've just dropped off a hard copy to my editor for one final read-through and I will be done. Never did I realize how many times one has to write, re-write, cut, and cut more precious (to me) words! But I believe it is worth it. I feel good that I've accomplished this.

Here's a little excerpt from the final chapter:

Dear reader, I have taken you on a journey. My journey of five years, full of joy, happiness, and sorrow. I pray that mostly you can see the joy, for there is none without God. Good times that don’t last and sad times visit us all.

But God, who shows Himself through Jesus Christ, knows our sorrows. He is there. Seek Him........

         

The other day, the phone rang. Someone from the Gift of Life Center Northwest was on the phone. She called to tell me that the State of Washington awards six families per year for their loved one’s gift of life. Would we want to participate and receive the award?  She went on to explain the governor from our state would give an award to each family. What an honor and tribute to Blair! Of course we would want him to be here, but that his two kidneys gave life to two men makes it easier to bear. So on February 28, 2012, we will be there with five other families to accept the award. And Blair Graybill will the most honored for it was his gift. I am so thankful that though this is an honor, his greatest honor is his life in heaven with his Lord and Savior.

As Greg(Blair's oldest son) said in a Sunday sermon, “Put God at the center of your life now, so that when everything else falls away--as it will---you will still possess the vital center.”

He is the center of my life. He has provided. He is trustworthy and good. 

G. William Rudberg, Jr. 9-26-1943 - 3-3-2006

Bill entered Heaven's gates this day at 3:00 am six years ago. Hard to believe it has been that long, yet it seems like forever.

Thank you, Bill Rudberg for your love and the life we had. Never would I have rappelled off of Rooster Rock (let alone a 6 foot high rock) had it not been for you and your encouragement. I wouldn't have climbed a mountain (Mt. Hood, six times!). Taken flying lessons. Gone on a car rally, hike 20 miles in one day! You inspired me to press on and it has helped me since you've been gone.

Thank you for the children we had together. They are good! Very, very good!

I wonder what you're doing in Heaven. It's hard to know for sure, but I know you are with the Savior and you are perfect. Thank-you, God, for the gift of Bill.

Henry Blair Graybill II, 11-12-1944 - 01-31-2010

How can one write only one paragraph to give tribute to a man? Blair Graybill was a one of a kind man. Bright, kind, inquisitive hazel eyes, framed by wire rimmed glasses, Blair Graybill had personality that made you want to trust him. His full head of silver hair gave him authority. He loved to learn and he never stopped the pursuit. While some teachers will rest on what they’ve learned, Blair never stopped. Teaching for over 30 years, he never grew tired of studying our American history. Blair loved his family even more. He was extremely proud of his two sons. He was the family organizer of reunions, and family genealogy. There were many people in his life who deeply respected him. Myself, his children, colleagues, and family. Blair was a gracious and kind man who was confident enough and manly enough to be helpful with most anything. When Blair decided to do something, he’d already analyzed the problem and was ready to do it. Though he left no directive regarding donating his kidneys, I believe he would have analyzed the situation, then would have decided to give. Blair loved me, his family and of course his late wife, Pat. I was blessed to know him and be a part of his life--and I know I will see him again--in heaven--because of his faith, a strong component in his life. He died, trusting in Jesus Christ for his salvation. I was blessed to know him and honored to have his name.

Good-bye Fritz, Hello Helga!

I'm not sure how many of you name your vehicle, but I do. Rather, it started with Blair and I. Instead of saying "let's take your car, or my car", we chose to give them names. Mine was "Fritz" because it was German, his was "Samurai" because it was Japanese.

Well, Fritz was getting a little more needy with hoses needing to be replaced and more loving care than I felt I was able to give, so I decided to get a new one. Fritz was a faithful vehicle and Bill and I put many miles on him. Then, by myself I did too. But, it's time for a change. I've bought Helga, and she's sitting in my garage, waiting for our next adventure together.

Here we go, Helga!

By the way, Helga means "purity". That means I must not make Helga break any speed laws....hmmmmm.